You know the post I posted last time where I was talking about talking to my “friend” that was bipolar? Well that was actually me. I wanted to have a little more anonymity before revealing that about myself. Because of having bipolar disorder I have had also had to experience the downfalls of being on medication that makes me gain weight.
I think I was normal weight in Elementary school, but I had to deal with people calling me ugly, and they are even now some of my facebook friends. I have forgiven them all, but those seeds had their way in shaping my mind. I was a little bit more developed than other girls my age when I was in 5th grade, but I wasn’t overweight. I had some self-image and self-esteem issues. I also did not know how much Jesus was rejected for me and that He loves me and that He died for me.
Then in Middle School I started thinking I was fat because I couldn’t find clothes that fit me in the store, and I wasn’t as physically fit as the other girls in my school. I couldn’t do as many crunches; I couldn’t run as fast or as long, (probably because of my flat feet), and I couldn’t play the sports as well as everybody else. It was about that time that I started becoming a vegetarian, even though I am not one anymore. I never knew how to eat healthy, and I didn’t like my family’s cooking. I wanted to eat American. So while I was in 7th grade I ate an apple everyday for lunch and that’s it and I would be able to fit into those size 10 jeans. Size 10 was super small for me, and I was pretty thin at that size. In 8th grade I was still pretty thin, but because my stomach was not super flat and because I had a little bit of a pouch of a stomach I still thought I was fat.
In high school, I had to deal with so many physical issues including two bouts of Gastroentiritis, and bipolar disorder that I wasn’t primarily concerned with my weight. I had so many things going on, and I always HATED P.E. It felt like torture. I was probably a little overweight, but I was way out of my league compared to everyone else. While I was in my last year of high school I started to put on weight (balloned up to 185) and I didn’t even realize why- my bipolar med. I joined Jenny Craig and lost like 25 pounds. Then I lost like 35 more doing the treadmill until I went down to 125 and was able to fit into my size 10 Jeans. Then I went manic like crazy. Long story.
It wasn’t until after 1999 that my weight started to come back again. My face became rounder. It happened all of a sudden. It was about the time that I started an atypical antipsychotic. That medicine gave me Diabetes within two years. I am not exactly sure how much I weighed in 2001 [my salvation year], but at that time I started to eat meat because I found out that because I couldn’t eat as many carbs, and because of the thyroid condition I had I was very limited on what I could eat so I chose to start eating meat. For a long time I was denial about diabetes and addicted to carbs and sweet food. But I think part of the problem was that I was on a Dopamine and Serotonin uptake inhibitor so my brain wasn’t sending my the right signals telling me I was full. The other part was me. I was trying to fill a void that I could only fill with a relationship to Jesus, but since I wasn’t part of a church I wasn’t getting the spiritual food I needed so I turned to physical food. I was part of a sorority and Bible Studies that had some love and truth, but I hadn’t sunken into the meat of the gospel and started going to the Word myself. But that turning to food for comfort and seeking after love from my earthly father started a vicious cycle of trying to lose weight and gaining weight and back and forth to this day. In the middle of it all I had a coma. No one really knows why. I suspect it was the chastening of the Lord. It just happened and resulted in my kidneys shutting down and a treatment of dialysis while I was unconscious. It was after that I had to learn the hard way to get closer to God and to change the way I thought about food.
Before I get into my whole life story here – I want to mention that it has been really hard for me lately while I have been going up and down in my weight – I eat healthy 90% of the time, but when I don’t have time to plan, or when I am bored and because I don’t really sit and have meals with my mom, dad, and sister, I end up getting into vicious cycles of eating too much food because I am trying to fill a void and trying to submit to the flesh and instead of to the Spirit. But it is a hard battle the people that are obese have to go through. For me the hardest thing is when I get over 200 pounds I start having problems walking. Being able to know the difference between actually eating for hunger, and eating for something else, takes a lot of wisdom. At times I feel like I am fighting very hard and not seeing results so then I have to have faith to see beyond my circumstances, and because James says, “Faith without works is dead,” I have to go through the effort of planning my meals, and going to the gym, and doing cardio at home to get the desired results. All the time I want to forget about all this. I want to not have to think about it anymore. I want to not have to think that I have to take bipolar meds, and that I don’t look like the way I look when I am at a certain weight and that I have a hard time walking if I get beyond a certain also associated with other health risks. I am really trying just to make it to 195. Every time I try to lose weight and commit to something it falls short and I pray about it. Maybe I don’t spend enough time in prayer, but most of my day is spent cooking, eating, and vegging out in front of the tv and eating. I can’t play any sports or have no coordination to dance. Those are the days that I really feel down like today and I sometimes think about the verse – Luke 12:24
“24Observe and consider the ravens; for they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn; and [yet] God feeds them. Of how much more worth are you than the birds!
It also talks about not to worry about anything in that passage. So here I am fretting about how much I want to lose weight and what I am going to eat that God says not to worry! So then that makes me want to give up on my meal planning and calorie counting and just keep my eyes on Jesus like Peter did. Oh, how I desire to be able to not to live in a body where I had to struggle like this. So then I ask God sometimes, “Why?” And here’s what He says, “I created you this way so that you would come running to me with your problems and seek after me.” I also read that in a book somewhere. I know that I am a glutton and unworthy of His love and what He did for me, but I am so glad that He accepts me flaws and failures and wants to put His circling arms around me. With this I know that God loves me despite what I weigh and because of that I can love myself.